After the Pause

don't stick a fork in me just yet!

I’m the kind of person who ruminates about a looming event—even a good one—long before it comes to pass¹. I used to think I was just good at knowing I was in the “good ole days” before I left them, but I now recognize it for what it is: unfettered anxiety.

Even thoughts like “this might² be my last leave ever, better enjoy it” is stealth — anxiety passing as presence. I actively tried not to let the foreboding about returning to work take over the day-to-day of leave. This was good. I really disengaged — aside from casual check-ins here and there, I did not respond to inbox and other clinical requests. I actively banished thoughts about what coming back would be like. I’ve been back at work for a couple weeks now, and it’s…fine.

I’m taking time now to reflect on this leave. I initially felt the familiar, uniquely American pang of “you didn’t get much done, did you?”—I had lofty goals of drafting grant applications and maybe dusting off some unpublished work. I gave up on that probably 30 seconds into N’s first day of life.

The real output? Not a manuscript but a 15lb wriggly ball of joy. I feel closer to my husband, my parents, and my oldest. I feel more relaxed. I went to acceptance and commitment therapy twice a week. I traded my social media addiction for a Reddit addiction. I didn’t work out nor did I bounce back. Still haven’t. I caught up on some culture — I watched many movies and TV series³ while nursing and actually read some books⁴. I hosted both siblings and both sets of grandparents. I was able to spend a week with the in-laws (7 nights, 8 days…too much. I think 4 is the sweet spot). It’s been the perfect kind of family sabbatical, and I’ll just leave it at that.

1. my college friends will attest to this. “Guuuuyssssss, this is one of the last 100 times we’ll be walking down the hill to Sharples together” was the refrain of my senior year.

2. This might be my last. I keep saying might — M prefers ‘definitely’. The more operative phrasing would be ‘this more than likely is my last’. I just don’t quite ‘feel done’. I got one more in me I think! This horrifies M especially when we’re on our second or third - diaper-feed-burp-soothe cycle of the night.

3

1. Secret Mall Apartment

2. Free Solo (of course)

3. Didi

4. Jay Kelly

5. the first 2/3 of Knives Out: Wake Up Dead Man

6. the last 1/3 of The Substance (through my fingers)

7. Bugonia

8. Is This Thing On?

9. Into the Manosphere

10. I Love LA

11. Chris Fleming: Live at the Palace (we also saw this actually live and enjoyed it again on streaming re-watch!)

12. Jordan Jensen: Take me with you

13. My Favorite Shapes by Julio Torres

14. Color Theories by Julio Torres

4. I attended 3 book clubs! 2 on the same weekend! Yeah, brah, mat leave was pretty wild and crazy. Follow me on StoryGraph and let’s talk books!

1. Convenience Store Woman - I listened to this on audiobook while I was in labor lol

2. New Teeth: Stories — I just love Simon Rich, the only author who can actually make me lol

3. Go to Sleep (I Miss You): Cartoons from the Fog of New Parenthood — the artist Lucy Knisley lives in Chicago!

4. Mother Mary Comes to Me - Arundhati Roy’s memoir

5. Perfection by Vincenzo Latronico — this guy read millenials to filth

6. Kid Gloves: Nine Months of Careful Chaos — another graphic novel by Lucy Knisley

7. 4000 Weeks by Oliver Burkeman

8. 1/3 of The Spiritual Child